Rant!

I read my past entries and a realisation hits- all the entries have centred upon:

-Me

-My blog

-Me

How selfish. How narcissistic. Of course, if I was Narcissus, I don't think those fun-lovin' Greek Gods [Oh the creativity of Zeus disguising himself as a swan to rape Leda- yes, I am showing off my cleverness. Aren't I clever?], would turn me into something as lovely as a..well, narcissus. It would probably be something ugly, like a rafflesia, or KL Tower.

Perhaps this spate of navel-gazing I've been indulging in lately is due to the fact that I have had a bare minimum of human contact recently. Or maybe I'm just egotistical- all that matters is Me Me Me. I can't be bothered to think about the world around me, allowing catchphrases like 'Palestine' 'Le Pen' 'Reformasi' to wash over my oblivious consciousness, while I worry about trivial things like exams.

I don't think I've always been this way, though. I recall at 20 being called a 'Radical' by my college's Headmaster, who was, to be fair, a middle-class Englishman, and a Tory, to boot. So my erstwhile 'kurang ajar' rhetoric (I remember strongly implying that he was a hypocrite in a school magazine article) must have seemed pretty far-out to his bourgeois mind. But I remember wanting to change the world back then. I thought, once I get out of Malaysian air space, I won't be tied down by threats from draconian bogeymen like the ISA, the Universities and Colleges Act, the SB. I'll really be Radical. Right. No such luck. Life seems to have trapped me in its seemingly meaningless routine. I seem to be stuck in a degree factory, one that is dedicated to churning out 'top of the range' graduates for the job market. Which is, of course, the only thing that matters.

I would say I was jaded, but youth has always claimed to be jaded- apathy is cool, sophisticated. Politics sucks, doesn't it? The world will never change- Bill Gates will always hold the income of at least three Sub-Saharan African countries while Afghans die from starvation and American 'anti-terrorist' missiles; Israel will always fight rocks and suicide bombers with its tanks and hi-tech arsenal; Malaysia will go on building its Putrajayas while rubber-tappers and rural farmers exist not knowing where their next meal is coming from; and the same party will go on ruling year after year by holding us to socio-economic ransom. So what's the point? If you can't change the world, you might as well take what you can get from it. Right?

Perhaps I may be 'out of touch with my own generation', I admit I've ensconsed myself in my own middle-class Bumi millieu, but I look around me, at my own contemporaries, who are blessed enough to be crowned 'harapan bangsa dan negara' and this is what I see:- I see a generation that has known nothing but ease its whole life. Our grandparents fought for Independence, our parents fought for social justice while we fight- to get to the top of the Heap. Don't get me wrong, I can't even pretend to be the Voice of My Generation, I'm not Pete Townsend, this is just what I see. Perhaps there are young Malaysians out there struggling for a worthier cause than a piece of paper that will earn you a Proton Waja and a house in Hartamas, but they seem to be few and far between. People like those behind suaraanum who while inspiring, invariably make me feel as if my daily concerns are too trivial to waste brain cells on.

Unfortunately, the majority of us have been conditioned to think that managing the world is what the Adults do, all we have to do is concentrate on our Studies and keep ourselves out of Trouble. Which is really what the Establishment wants doesn't it? Hence for instance the 'Aku Janji'- the pledge of loyalty to the Malaysian government signed by civil servants and University students. Now, I'm not too well-versed on the Law, but doesn't this seem to be insulting the Constitution? Fine, one might argue that party politics should not enter into classrooms and student associations, but aren't civil servants supposed to serve the people rather than whatever political party currently clinging to the top spot, and isn't debate part of the educational process? Silly me, I forgot that the trees in UM's speakers' corner have been poisoned. And the poison it seems, has killed off the social consciousness of our parents' children. We are all drones, serving a single Queen Bee, with nary a thought for dissent.

I'm not too good with quotes, but didn't Aung San Suu Kyi once say something to the effect of "Youth" being the "conscience of the people"? If that's the case, then it seems to me as if the Malaysian conscience is, if not dead, then certainly a candidate for the ICU. Sometimes I envy our Indonesian counterparts. True, the success of their Reformasi movement is debatable, but at least they managed to oust a man who was, if not a tyrant then certainly close to being one. Perhaps, their activism lies in the fact that they had nothing to lose- when you have nothing to lose, you tend to fight with all that you have, and hang the consequences. Malaysian youth, on the other hand, seem to think that there is everything to lose by not toeing the proverbial line- scholarships, a job, a Future. We have been preconditioned to think that a Good Future is synonymous with material well-being, as long as there's rice on the table, who cares whether we're free to open our mouths in argument without fear, to be able to experience a real democracy, regardless of the fact that Oscar Wilde once termed a 'Democracy' as 'the bludgeoning of the people, for the people, by the people', regardless of whether a 'real democracy' actually exists.

We may have had Independence for 45 years, but how free are we? Are we free enough to protest the trampling of our civil liberties? Are we free enough to question the liberties instead taken on our Constitution? Are we free enough to even disagree?But alas, who cares? Who cares about being a drone as long as you get your share of the honey? Who cares if some have more of a share than others, just because they choose to ingratiate themselves into the Queen Bee's good graces, remaining there all their lives, without having to work harder than the rest?

I seem to be raving. For all you know, this might be another self-conscious, self-righteous, self-aggrandizing rant, and after this, I'll go back to my routine-laden life, forgetting that I once wanted to change the world.

Erratic+Rectum = Erratum
'Millieu'is spelled 'milieu. Likewise, 'ensconsed' - 'ensconced'. Lesson: (Try to) stop using pretentious words the spelling of which you are uncertain, unless looked up in dictionary. Words like 'erratum'.

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