"Would you like a full tank of bile, sir?"

To all who actually took notice of my descent into sappiness and chose to give me support with 'hang in there' messages, thank you. To all who chose to react by giving me a kick in the butt and a 'snap out of it' I thank you, but my butt says 'pbhhht!'.

My Partner-in-Crime, hereby known as PiC, diagnosed my condition as 'being mengada as usual' and told me to be 'macho' since he was (naturally). So hell yeah, I'll be macho, goddaymnit. I'm gonna lasso me that honours degree, and I'm gonna git me some of that (legal) fun while I'm at it. (Accompanied by a pillow dressed in a t-shirt, of course).

Anyway, he's right. I do suffer from mengada-ness, which translates into obsessive laziness. I am capable of sitting in front of a screen, be it LCD or otherwise, for hours on end. During these hours, the only signs of life I may display are:
1. Finger movements- either in tandem with a mouse, a keyboard or a remote control
2. Occassional blinks, sometimes used to answer questions like 'how's your essay going?'.
And believe me when I say that 'hours' is not an exaggeration. In fact, 'days' may not be too far off the mark either. This condition may be aggravated by the teensiest excuse for a depression, like the day being dark, or a zit appearing on my forehead, or the prospect of not seeing my husband for the next four months. But I have now resolved to be macho daymnit. So next time I fall into sappiness, you, yes, you, can slap me in the face and threaten me with caffeine-deprivation.

Perhaps my semi-depressed atrophic state was also brought on by some perceived surreality of my situation. 'Perceived' because it may just be me and I'm weird anyway, and 'surreal' because the world is falling part and here I am trying to write an essay on Protectionism in the 1930s. I feel like I'm swinging on a pendulum between apathy and anger and frankly, a bit of motion sickness may kick in. Sometimes when I'm on the anger side of the scale, I tend to rant and rave, and by rave I mean that I go into fantasies in which I communicate my complete disgust at some of the individuals who have made the world the way it is today, and these idiots actually listen. If I was sure that my letter to these people would be read, or that these people can actually read I'd write one like this and send it off, bubotuber pus optional:-

Dear Messrs. Bush and Blair,

NB (that means you gotta pay attention to this one, Dubya): Dubya, I know you gotta small brain, so I'm telling you now that some words in this letter are gonna be big ones ok? You can get your good ol' Dick or Laura to explain these words to you later. Cause I think you don't know what a dik-shun-a-ry is. I don't want your head to explode or anything, not cause I like ya, but because I don't want my letter to be messed up with your brain bits and stuff.

Dear Tony, may I just say that you're doing a wonderful job of licking Dubya's ass? My God, I bet Dubya's ass hasn't been this clean since George Sr. made Bar stop wiping it for him 10 years ago! May I also say that I admire your military strategy- promising to send 35,000 of your troops to Iraq where they will have to fight in the desert heat with boots that will melt, communications equipment that won't work and tanks that will jam? And may I just express my sincere admiration for your ability to spout forth bullshit with a completely straight face. I mean, when you faced that Liaison Committee last Monday and told them, in your trademark 'sincere' way that Saddam Hussein had to be destroyed since Al- Qaida is threatening to bomb the UK (I hope they don't get too bored waiting in line behind the NIRA) ALTHOUGH there was no evidence linking Al- Qaida to Iraq, I was amazed! I've swallowed a lot of vile and disgusting things in my time (paint chips, childhood boogers, my college's 'Malaysian Curry') but I found that my usually accommodating throat felt like hurling when I read that last juicy statement. Could I get tips on how I could get away with expecting my professors to accept similar bullshit, just as you are expecting the normally intelligent public to accept yours? Please? And may I also applaud your bravado in going on with this ludicruous ass-licking endeavour when 80% of your citizens don't feel like going to war? I know that Iain Duncan-Smith may seem a bit of a whanker and the Tories are still suffering from the disaster that was Hague, but still...forgoing the support of not only your Parliament, but 4/5 of your electorate...wow. Didja know that 1/5 of those who do wanna get rid of Saddam are middle-classed females above 50, who normally vote Tory anyway? You didn't? You were too busy with the fireman's strike, the university fees thing and the railways thing? Oh, I get it. Not only do you get to lick ass, you get to be a big-time war hero like Churchill AND make the public forget the complete mess you've made of things? Smooth, dude. Real smooth.

Dear Mr. Cheney (Can I call you Dick? Since you are one, anyway),

Could you translate my following comments to Dubya. I can't talk down to his level, sorry- I left kindergarten ages ago. Anyway, good job with Afghanistan, man. You bombed the hell out of those Taliban alright. AND good riddance to Osama, I say. What's that, he ain't dead yet? You killed a whole bunch of innocent people instead? More than the number of people who died in the twin towers? Heck, you did that to Cambodia and Nicaragua, didn't cha? (yes Dubya, they're all countries. With actual people). You don't really want Osama to die, all you want is the oil? Really? Well I'll be damned. Knock me over with a feather and call me Enron.

Speaking of Enron, what's going down with all that boring economics stuff you hate to deal with so much? Oh waitaminute, you're doing the ol' start-a-war-forget-the-country trick aren't ya. I bet you taught that to ol Tone over there. Then again, he probably learnt that from Thatcher huh. I just wanna know something though, how you gonna fund a war with those big ol tax cuts you're gonna make? Oh, you don't care about a deficit- you guys never pay your debts anyway. How much do you owe those UN guys again? 10 billion? 20?

Also- why'd you give Saddam and Osama the weapons and training in th first place? I get it. Oil. That's 'awl' to you Dubya. A pipeline from afghanistan right up to Iraq, which has the second largest oil reserves in the world would be cool, huh. Put a big ol smile on the face of all those big corporations that own you guys. So what's next? I heard Ariel Sharon wants you to go after Iran cos they're cramping his style or something like that. I bet you're gonna do it, since you're always listening to him anyway.

You know something, I'm just wondering if you people realise that the world isn't swallowing the 'axis of evil' story. The world knows that if not for the oil reserves, you'd let the Taliban go scot free, and you'd let Saddam kill, maim, starve and deprive all the people in Iraq. The world knows that you don't care if Saddam lives or dies, as long as you get Iraq. So why don't you just admit it, say it loud and say it proud folks- 'We're gonna destroy about a million or so lives because we want the black gold, yeeehaa.'

If you're going to destroy the world, don't insult my intelligence while you're at it.

P/s- Dubya, you're a poo poo face.

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