To Him We Belong, and to Him We Return
Ya Allah, Turner of Hearts, direct my heart to obedience of you.
Sometimes I wish I could pour all the rancour in my heart into this little box- wipe the slate clean with tiny judicious taps on the keyboard.
*Tap*tap*tap*Relief*.
But it doesn't work that way does it?
My heart will continue to be full, my fingers will continue to shake, and my eyes will still be pricked by hot liquid even after I type the last dot.
Unless...
Astaghfirullah al'aZim
"A laa taTma-innu QuluubuHum bidzikrillah"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have a confession: I envy everyone their grandmothers. I don't know why, but I have been thinking of my grandmothers lately. Perhaps its because of all the people that I want at my wedding, it would be them. Perhaps because I feel that lately I have disappointed them in some way. Perhaps its because I keep dreaming of them.
When my father's mother passed away in 1999, my father asked me to write about her- Nenek Timah was a remarkable lady. People talk about grandmother's stories in reference to long boring tales, but I loved my grandmother's stories, as did all of her grandchildren- we refer to them even now- they make up that thread of lore which binds us together.
Nenek (or later on, 'Big Momma')practically raised six sons and a daughter all by herself (Datuk having proceeded to go around the country looking for 3 other wives, but I'm getting ahead of myself), while joining in the fight for independence. How many single mothers do you know in the 1950s managed to clothe their family, lead the community and be a Division leader in UMNO all at once? (The old UMNO mind you, Nenek had plenty of issues with the new *grin*)
And her spirit! When she found out that Datuk had taken on another wife, she reputedly grabbed my father and one of his brothers, went to the kadhi's office, slammed her hand on his table and demanded a divorce. Not that she got one, though. My Mom told me that when she was going out with my Dad, his house would regularly be assaulted by 'flying saucers' courtesy of my grandmother- Datuk having decided to stay with her and divorce his other wives instead. (Nenek continued to take care of his other children throughout her life- that's the kind of woman she was). Datuk died about 3 weeks after my parents got married, so I never met him- he was hit by a drunk driver who benevolently offered my grandmother compensation- money for a dead husband and father- for which he received a tight slap from her.
The last time I saw Nenek alive, she was lying in the ICU ward in Ampang Puteri hospital, connected to a respirator due to her weak heart. When I went into her room, she was asleep. As I kissed her and whispered "Nek, Nadia nak kena balik kolej," she managed to open her eyes and say "Ha, kau belajar rajin-rajin, jangan lupa sembahyang". Two days later, my tutor took me out of Economics class to tell me that Nenek had passed away. Apparently, my Mom reports that the day before she died, she was trying to bribe the Phillipino nurses to get her a can of forbidden pinapple juice ("I gib you money, you bai me drink, ok? Keep change")
However, when my Dad told me to write about her after her funeral, I refused. How could I write about one grandmother and not the other?
As much as I admired my Nenek, it was Tok Mak who took care of me, Tok Mak whom I thought of as a mother- I was her eldest grandchild, my parents left me with Tok Mak and Tok Bah when I was young, and they called me Adik for some reason. So until I was four, I thought I was their youngest child, and that it was normal to have 2 sets of parents- one younger one who you only saw after six in the evening, and were kind of strict but taught you to read and took you out during the weekends, and one older one who you stayed with during the day and spoilt you rotten. I even called her 'Mak' at one point.
Tok Mak and Nenek were two different women though- where Nenek was aggressive and independent, Tok Mak was a traditional wife and mother, although you didn't want to get her temper going either :). Her sacrifices though, were no less immense.
Even when she was suffering from chronic diabetes, Tok Mak still found time and energy to take care of her grandchildren, insisting that maids could never be trusted and that having them in the house along with her gave her peace of mind. Even when her eyes were covered with cataracts and she could barely read her Jawi papers she could see her way around the kitchen to cook us our favourite dishes. And she always reminded us of our responsibilities -as Muslims, as children, as students. Each time I reported an achievement, she'd say 'Syukur Alhamdulillah' with tears in her eyes and ask me 'Dah sujud syukur dah?', when I got a B in PMR Agama and a 2 in the same subject for SPM she made me laugh by saying,"Awak ni kenapa la, cuba sembahyang tu khusyu' sikit" and even now, when I think of her, it is of her laughing until she cried during one of the family's epic trips down memory lane at the kitchen table.
On the day she passed away, I went with her for her regular checkup (after a second stroke) during which the doctor pronounced that she was ok, and she insisted on having nasi ayam for lunch. At her house, she practically forced me to eat lunch with her. When my Mom came to pick me up that afternoon, Tok Mak and Tok Bah were both napping and not wanting to wake them up, I gave Tok Mak a peck on the cheek and went home. That night, she complained of a stomachache and asked my parents to take her to the clinic. When my parents hadn't gotten home at 2 am I called my Dad only to be told "Baca Ya'sin, panggil adik-adik, Tok Mak dah tak ada".
Forgive me if all this is has been too maudlin, too corny, too much of what you don't want to know. Raya's nearing- and I miss them the most then.
Innalillahi wainna ilaihi raaji'uun.
Al Fatihah.
Narrated by Ibn' Mas'ud- Allah's Messenger (Sal-allahu-aleihi-wasallam) said: "I prohibited you from visiting graves, but visit them now, because they teach renunciation in the world and remind the hereafter."
[Transmitted by Ibnu Majah,Vol 1:#1677]
nads went at 22:17